Normandy On Ice
by Lady Amiee
Summary: The Normandy crew take a day off and of course, hijinks happen. Written for the April Comp for Aria's Afterlife, hosted by BlueKrisna. Enjoy!


"I'm not sure this is a good idea, Shepard," Wrex grunted, wobbling a little as he made his way to the ice rink.

Shepard grinned, unrepentant. She'd somehow managed to persuade the warlord to join her and the crew of the Normandy on this outing. He'd said 'no' more times than she could count, but he should have known better. No one said no to her. He may be 8 feet tall and weigh as much as a small tank, but the woman that weighed 100 lbs soaking wet managed him like a mother hen.

"You scared, Wrex?" Garrus asked, sitting on one of the benches that surrounded the ice. He looked out at the others. "If a drell can do it, I'm sure you can." Thane was already on the ice, graceful in every motion, zipping around as if he'd been born to skate.

The warlord didn't respond, he just curled his lip and ignored the taunting turian.

Garrus got to his feet, clinking his way to the gate on his bladed boots. He faltered a little, but somehow managed to stay on his feet, unlike Grunt, who'd already broken not one, not two, but three chairs. The younger krogan couldn't stay on his feet and, in his thrashing, had destroyed several pieces of furniture. "Let me show you how turians do it." The chuckling turian avoided the boot Wrex threw at him, gliding onto the ice. His glory only lasted for a second however.

"You shouldn't tease him, Garrus," Kasumi said, appearing out of thin air. She'd waited for Garrus to pick up some speed, before sticking her leg out and tripping him over. His armor made an awful sound across the ice, tearing jagged chunks up as he spun and flailed to stop himself from hitting the wall. He failed, and his curses echoed across the high-ceilinged room.

Shepard shook her head at their antics, moving to Wrex's side and offering her arm.

The warlord looked dubious, as if wondering how this little slip of a woman planned on keeping him from face planting. _If she can fight off a thresher maw with just a shotgun and her biotics, she can keep me from landing on my ass. I hope, _he thought. "I really don't like this, Shepard," he muttered, watching as Garrus got up.

The turian glared, looking around for the little thief, the cuff around his collar full of powdered ice. "Kasumi!" he shouted. A bubble of laughter answered him, and he took off in pursuit.

Wrex stepped out. He wobbled and Shepard steadied him. "Thanks," he grunted, taking a deep breath. _I am krogan, ice should fear me! _He looked down at the shimmering surface, before looking down at Shepard, only to find her gone. Small hands pushed against his back and he was off.

The huge warlord pinwheeled his arms, only to find himself moving rather quickly and somewhat gracefully. He centered his weight, his arms out and his legs moving in an almost running motion. "Huh . . .." He grinned, sweeping past Legion who had somehow managed to get his boot stuck in the ice.

"Shepard Commander, help us," the geth pleaded, his head panels flapping in agitation. He tugged on his leg as Shepard came over to rescue him. For a geth, he had an uncanny knack of looking like a lost puppy. "We do not understand the purpose of this training."

"It's not training, it's fun, Legion," Shepard said, pulling the rather stiff robot along by his hand. It became clear after a while that Geth were not designed for skating. Aerodynamic or not, he was having trouble keeping his balance. Giving up, she handed him some credits and told him to go and get hot chocolate for everyone, knowing the robot liked to feel useful.

The commander looked around, chuckling as she caught sight of Grunt. He'd finally got onto the ice thanks to Jack's teasing; taunting, in Shepard's mind, but it had worked so she wouldn't scold her for it. The young krogan wasn't doing as well as his elder, however, and windmilling his arms only made his situation worse as he tilted forward.

"Shit," Shepard hissed, skating forward, trying to divert the disaster she could see happening.

She didn't make it in time.

Grunt roared as his head smashed into the ice, breaking right through the thick layers of frozen water. His plate stuck and his arms were too short to get much leverage to push himself up. Only his mouth, which still emitted loud bellows of distress, was visible. His legs couldn't support his position and bowed oddly, the pointed blades of his boots pinning him in an inverted V.

Everyone converged on the panicking krogan, hands reaching to tug him out. After battling with not only the thrashing youth, and avoiding his attempts to beat the ice into submission, they somehow managed to free him.

"I am krogan!" he roared at the ice, punching it over and over. Ice chunks flew everywhere and several security officers came over. They didn't even have chance to speak as Shepard flashed her glare at them. They backed away from the tiny ball of fire, holding their hands up and making pitiful attempts to tell her to control her krogan. Once they'd calmed Grunt, taking him to the smaller toddler rink, the party resumed their skating.

Jack, of course, was making life hell for everyone, using her biotics to trip or push them faster. Garrus and Miranda had both ended up smashed into the plexiglas walls. Joker had flat out refused to even put the boots on, crossing his arms and glaring out from under his trademark cap. Shepard had left the persuasion to EDI, who had managed to talk him into going to the toddler rink with Grunt-not that the smaller rink was safer with a huge krogan flailing around-but still, she'd got him on the ice.

Jacob and Vega were racing, going back and forth, comparing muscles and talking smack to one another. James won by a landslide, of course, and Kaiden had called it a win for the hispanic soldier . . . much to Jacob's displeasure. "Sorry, Shrimpy, you gotta train harder if you wanna run with the big boys," James taunted, only to be tripped by Kasumi as she skated by, dancing gracefully with Mordin.

The salarian had taken to the ice like a fish to water, the young thief his partner in crime as they showed everyone but Thane up, doing triple soukous, and stunning flips. Mordin had even thrown Kasumi, watching as she'd spun in the air, her arms tucked tight to her body until the drell assassin had caught her several feet away. The hooded woman was in her element, kissing her lover on the cheek before sneaking away with him to a dark corner of the rink for a private dance.

"I am Zaeed Guddam Massani, I don't dance!" Zaeed shouted for the fifth time, his protests falling on deaf ears as Samara pulled him along like a small tugboat to a warship. The asari just smiled, spinning him until he clutched at her, holding her hips in a way that was far too familiar for just friends. Looking around and catching Shepard's raised brow, the old mercenary actually blushed, or at least she thought he did, it was hard to tell.

Shepard almost laughed out loud as she spun on the ice. Tali stood at the edge of the rink, clinging to a railing that was almost bigger than she was. The little quarian was looking at her boots, then to the ice. "Shepard . . . my suit," she stammered, fear making her tone shake and raise an octave or two.

"Just don't fall down and you'll be fine, Tali," Shepard reassured her, wincing. As soon as she'd said the words, Tali landed flat on her butt, her hand slipping from the bar and not being able to get purchase on anything else. The quarian muttered something about going back to her drive core where it was warm and not everything seemed intent on killing her, before scooting back on her butt to the exit.

"Okay everyone!" Shepard called, bringing everyone over to her before they escaped. "Picture time!" She gathered them into a tight cluster, letting those more competent on skates hold up the less so ones.

Thane, Kasumi, Mordin and oddly enough Javik all helped Garrus, Grunt, Joker and Tali keep their feet while Shepard took a group picture. Legion stood to the side, holding a tray of hot chocolate, his head flaps waving.

The commander smiled, only to groan when Grunt-supported only by Mordin-went down, his butt breaking the ice this time. The small salarian landed on top of the flailing krogan, likely getting bruised to hell in the process of extracting himself from stubby limbs and attempted headbutts.

Once they'd settled, she finally snapped the picture. Sending copies to Anderson and everyone else that wanted blackmail material on her motley crew, she glanced to the left and frowned, seeing two shadows behind one of the pillars holding up the domed roof. In the time she'd taken to send the pictures, everyone had dispersed, and two of her crew were engaging in activities definatly not approved by the Alliance. Skating over, she gasped in shock. "What the hell is going on here?"

Javik and Liara sprang apart, the asari's lips slightly red from the protheans kiss. "Commander," he said, his teeth bared a little. "This is a private moment."

"Shepard . . . I . . . we . . .." Liara broke off, stepping forward and burying her head in Javik's chest.

The commander shook her head and gestured for them to carry on. "Great, now I owe Joker money," she grumbled to herself. She headed to one of the benches and sat down, watching her family on the ice.

Contentment settled over her, and as they laughed, argued, danced and outright beat on one another-mostly Jack and Miranda-she finally relaxed. The war had been hard, but sipping the hot chocolate Legion handed to her, she knew it had all been worth it.

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**_A/N: Well, here we are. My first attempt at true comedy. It sucks, I know, but it was fun to write, and that's the point, right? Anyway, this was written for the April competition on Aria's Afterlife-Go check it out, it's awesome.  
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**_Huge thanks to TenyumeKasumi, for being a wonderful beta. For amazing and real comedy, check out her works, 'You've got Mail' is fricking amazing, so please, go look. Please leave reviews, I'd love to hear your opinions. Thanks for reading! _**


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